For the Love of God, Throw Out Your Damn List!

The right relationship feels like warm chocolate chip cookies and your favorite pair of jeans.

Ten years ago, after yet another gut-wrenching breakup, I sat in front of the mirror asking myself, “What’s wrong with me”?

I was smart.

I had amazing friends.

Awesome kids.

A good job.

And a beautiful home.

I had a great life!

I thought – Why can’t I get this damn LOVE thing right?

I’m sure you understand exactly how I felt. I was heartbroken, frustrated and discouraged.

But I’m no quitter!  I made a decision that day.

I was tired of the disappointment and the pain, and I committed to dating with a completely new strategy.

I decided that the next time I gave my heart to someone, it wouldn’t be because he looked good on paper or because of chemistry.

It would be because of the WAY HE LOVED ME.

It would be because of his:

strength of character
goodness
generosity
kindness
honesty
big heart
high self-esteem (don’t underestimate this!)
and his capacity to love.

A tall order, I know!

But I was tired of all the drama.

I was tired of not feeling loved enough.

I was tired of the heartbreak.

And I had FAITH.

I believed there was a wonderful man “out there” and that I would FIND him.

Because I deserved him.

So after lots of self-reflection and developing a deep understanding of my needs and wants, I was finally ready to find my love.

I put away my long list of preferences.

Tall
Handsome
Fit
Youthful
Successful
Brilliant
Charismatic
Nearby
A dad, etc.

Why?

Because in all my life, I’d never met a happily married woman who said her marriage was amazing because her husband was tall, sexy, rich or fit!

I decided to focus on what really mattered.

I decided it was time for me to be LOVED RIGHT.

If you’re single, chances are, you’ve never had your emotional needs fully met in a relationship.  You’ve probably never been loved right.  And neither had I.

And I was done with that crap!

I stopped attracting the wrong men, because I changed my expectations.

I created a list of things I would NOT accept in a partner.  I developed boundaries.  And I focused on what really mattered.

And then I met Rob.

Instead of a cheesy pickup line, he asked me about my kids.

For our first date, he drove over an hour in traffic to take me out to a restaurant just three blocks from my house.

He called (yes he actually CALLED) because he wanted to hear my voice.

He told me what he liked about me.

He asked to spend time with me, consistently.

He introduced me to his friends and invited me to his home.

He was kind, open, fun and warm.

He enjoyed my kids, and was amazing with them.

He made me feel liked every single day.

At my request, he waited to be physical because he wanted to get to know me.

And I had never felt so safe and comfortable with anyone before.

And, wait for it…

There was NO FREAKING DRAMA!

It felt kind of weird.

But then I got used to it.  And it was AWESOME.

I bet you’re wondering if he had everything on my long list of preferences?

Nope.

I married a man who is REALLY different than I had imagined my husband would be.

And it’s been one of the smartest decisions of my life.

As a dating coach and also someone who’s been through the hard times myself, I implore you to throw away your damned list!

That list may be keeping you single!

Date older… younger… farther away… shorter… rounder… whatever!  Just be OPEN!

And also have strong boundaries.

Have high expectations.

And stop focusing on qualities that have nothing to do with your future happiness.

When you meet the RIGHT person, you won’t feel anxious.

And you won’t have to play games.

It will feel COMFORTABLE and EASY.

Put your hand over your heart and get in touch with what really matters.

Goodness
Generosity
Strength of character
Loyalty
Kindness
Unconditional love
And someone healthy who loves himself or herself

These are the qualities that will carry you through the tough times and will keep you feeling valued, loved and adored throughout the years.

Here is my formula for success, and it worked for me…

  1. Date A LOT
  2. Be a great date, be authentic and really connect with the people you meet
  3. Have fun with it!
  4. And leave the wrong people quickly, so you can find the right one FAST

Your love is out there. And you deserve it.

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